S01 E06: USS Intrigue: Two Chefs and a Breakdown
S01 E06: USS Intrigue: Two Chefs and a Breakdown
First Officer’s Log. Stardate 45135.3.
Commander Nyri Elatrai of the USS Intrigue reporting.
The Olreinusans have applied for Federation membership. Their
ambassador, Truden, has just spent three months on Starbase 351 negotiating
terms. We have just picked him up from the starbase and are ferrying him back
to Olreinus for the final declaration of membership. We have also picked up a
Tellarite chef, Doolly Waulpoh, who will be providing the catering for a
high-society wedding on Olreinus. The Tellarites have long been friends with
the Olreinusans. Waulpoh is a highly regarded chef who has made exquisite
dishes for many state functions on various Federation planets.
The Olreinus system is in close proximity to the Tzenkethi
Coalition. In the last few months, the Tzenkethi have become more active. They
may be building up for a strike. We fear the Tzenkethi may have interfered with
Olreinus the way they did with Queloz IV. The Olreinusans are also fearful of
the Tzenkethi. That is one reason they are anxious to join the Federation.
While we are escorting guests to
Olreinus, our ship will be the first to receive Acclivius-A, a new subroutine
for the main computer, which should drastically improve response time.
Starfleet has sent Bolian expert computer programmer Lt. Cmdr. Lunisa to install
and monitor its progress. Lunisa is the developer of the Tikus computer program
that revolutionized the way library computers store and access data, enabling
them to store fifty times the amount of data.
With three VIPs on board, the crew has
been asked to be on their best behavior.
Lt. Commander
Lunisa was in main engineering studying the results of her new subroutine
Acclivius-A. Chief engineer Lt. Meredith Bravo was also studying the readings.
Bravo hit the settings to increase the flow to the main engines. The flow
increased in seconds. The response time showed a ten percent increase. That was
a minor difference. It was a small test, as they both knew. Major tests would
come later.
Acclivius didn’t
just speed up response time in engineering. Reports were coming in of
improvements all over the ship. Replicators, transporters, all systems were
tested and showed improved performances.
Lunisa next went
to Stellar Cartography. Acclivius should be able to work wonders there, as it
had been programmed to sync with the USS Intrigue’s astrometrics and navigation
systems pod. While the ship was at warp speed, it scanned a red supergiant that
was three light years away. The results came back quickly, along with amazingly
clear visual feeds. Lt. Orga, the head of Stellar Cartography, was impressed.
Lunisa said to
Orga, “You got some free time? Let’s go have drinks to celebrate.”
Chef Doolly
Waulpoh was anxious to see the deluxe galley on the USS Intrigue. He heard it
was the finest on all of Stafleet’s ships. “And here it is,” said Selva, the
ship’s Benzite guest relations manager. “Seems kind of small,” Doolly said,
matter-of-factly. Selva kept silent. She knew how Tellarites were prone to
argue.
“Mr. Waulpoh!” said
a fat Klingon. “I’ve always wanted to meet you. It’s a pleasure!”
Selva said,
“This is our head chef, Keegas. Gentlemen, if you’ll excuse me.” Selva was glad
for the opportunity to leave. Let the two argumentative chefs butt heads all
they wanted.
Doolly said, “So
you’re in charge here. I wanna see your convection oven. I bet it doesn’t have those
new phasing impulse heating elements.”
“Right this
way,” said Keegas. “It actually has the latest design in magnetic conduit
heating elements. Gets faster quicker without overcooking.” Doolly was
impressed, though he didn’t want to show it. He just “harrumphed” and crossed
his arms in front of his chest.
Selva went to
check on Ambassador Truden. The transparent aluminum windows in his room had
been covered with thick Tholian silk curtains. It was customary for Olreinusans
to have no windows in their homes. They considered windows to be an intrusion
on their privacy. Truden had also requested an Olreinus talking tree in the
middle of his diplomatic suite. That was not a custom, just one of the
ambassador’s idiosyncrasies. The tree had branches that twitched and gave off
sound waves that were very high-pitched and uneven. It sounded like a Lowesian
animal stuck in a trap, thought Selva. But she had called Starbase 351 and
gotten the specs from the Starfleet diplomatic officer, who had gotten them
from the records of the first Starfleet ship to visit Olreinus. Selva had given
those specs to Ensign Indam, a resident Cardassian engineer on the Intrigue, who
programmed the replicator to make the tree. So there was the tree, complete with
its obnoxious “talking”. Indam had done a good job, apparently. Truden said it
was elegant; that it was just what he needed to help him relax. To each his
own, thought Selva.
Lunisa and Orga went
to the mess hall and sat at a table. They spoke for a minute, then Orga, a
Kellerun, went to the replicator and came back with a clear sparkly drink.
“Soda water?” Lunisa asked. “It’s called bakray. A favorite on Chanerial
Prime.” Lunisa had gotten an empty glass from her Starfleet-issue travel bag.
She pulled out a thermos. She poured her drink out of the thermos. “What’s
that?” asked Orga. “Briyaanol. From Bolia. It’s the best drink in all the
galaxy. Here. Try some.” She just happened to have an extra glass. Orga saw
that the drink was very sparkly and bubbly, much more so than his drink. “Sure.
I’ll try anything once.” Then Lunisa reached into her bag (what all did she
have in that bag anyway? Thought Orga) and pulled out a small vial.
“Okay. I guess
that’s flavoring?” asked Orga.
“Are you
kidding? This doesn’t need flavoring. It’s a reagent for you.”
“A reagent?”
“Yes. You see,
the drink is highly acidic. Bolians can drink them, but non-Bolians need to
take this reagent first. I promise it’s perfectly safe. It’s Starfleet
approved.” Orga was intrigued. He took the reagent, then tried the drink. “I
think it could use some lemon,” he said. Lunisa laughed.
Then a Tellarite
walked over to them and said, “Hey what’s that you drinking’? I’ve never seen
that before.”
“It’s a Bolian
drink,” said Lunisa. “Would you like to try it?”
“Why not?” said
the Tellarite, Doolly. “I got nuttin’ better to do, since that ratty Klingon
kicked me out of the galley just for saying his recipe for gagh was worse
tastin’ than the mud between the bricks of a home on Cenatii.”
Lunisa explained
to Doolly that he would have to take the reagent first. Yes, even Tellarites
couldn’t digest the acids without the reagent, she told him. Doolly took the
reagent and tried the drink. He said he liked it. It was very, er, lively.
“Hey, what in
the twelve colonies is this?!!” they all heard someone yell. Lunisa looked over
by the wall and saw Lt. Hughes standing in front of a replicator. He was
holding a plate full of green slime. They walked over to him. He said he asked
the replicator for a chicken pot pie, but he got this gooey mess instead.
Doolly said, “It’s base component protein slime. That’s what you get when
replicators don’t work. That’s why you need ME. If you let a chef cook your
food, it’ll never be slop like that.” Lunisa scanned it with her tricorder.
Doolly was right about the ingredients. Her Acclivius-A subroutine couldn’t be
the cause of this, could it? She asked if they had had any problems with the
replicators before. Everyone answered no. Of course not, she thought. She would
have to look into it.
Lt. Lunisa made
her way to the main computer core on deck 5. That was where she had installed
the new subroutine. The ops officer, a Vulcan ensign named V’Sek, was there
watching the subroutine as if it were his baby. He was usually a bridge
officer, but this was his temporary station for now. He had an A-8 computer
expert classification, and that’s just what they needed to watch over the
subroutine. Lunisa had the same classification and was glad to have V’Sek
there.
Lunisa asked the
Vulcan if he had seen anything unusual. He reported that the subroutine was
functioning as predicted. She told him about the replicator problem in the mess
hall. He ran a level three diagnostic. He saw that the subroutine’s algorithm had
expanded beyond the parameters Lunisa had set. But it had not expanded into
critical systems. Lunisa said the algorithm was just responding to the layout
of the ship’s systems and that it should not be a problem.
When Orga was
back in Stellar Cartography, he saw that there were more readings from the red
supergiant. Sensors had picked up a gravitational anomaly close to the red
star. He reported it to the captain. The captain decided the anomaly was worth
studying. They could increase speed later and still make it to Olreinus in
three days as planned.
Captain Sekoba
and Commander Elatrai were on the bridge as the ship changed course to head for
the red supergiant. As they got closer to the red star, the science station, in
conjunction with Stellar Cartography, picked up more strange readings. First,
they picked up some kind of time distortion. The captain ordered Ensign
J’Datek, the Klingon science officer on the bridge, to run a diagnostic on the
sensors. The ensign complied. Nothing unusual in the diagnostic. Then he
scanned the area again. What sensors picked up this time were sixteen Romulan
D’deridex-class warbirds closing fast. By that time, it was clear that the
sensors were malfunctioning. Sekoba ordered the sensors be taken offline for a
full diagnostic. She also ordered a full stop for the ship. They would not be
able to properly travel without reliable sensors. Helm officer Lt. Kuiper
entered the command on his console to slow to impulse and then to a full stop.
Ambassador
Truden lay on the diagonal bed holding his glass of root beer. Commodore Madsen
at Starbase 351 was the one who first introduced Truden to the earth drink. He
thought it was very much like the Federation: exotic and sweet. “Comp-uuu-terrr,”
he tried to say the word just as he had learned it. “Put an Olreinus talking
tree in the center of the river.” A beautiful tree appeared right in the center
of the body of water before him. “Luxurious!” he said. He would have to get one
of these holodecks in his home. He was sure Starfleet would give him one. A
tree in his suite and a tree on the holodeck. What wonders this Federation had!
As he closed his eyes and listened to the tree, he felt something on his head.
He opened his eyes and put his hand on his head. He felt something feathery. He
held it up. It was some kind of bird. He looked in the sky. They were flying
all around. “Computer,” he said, “what are those in the sky?”
The reply came.
“Forty-seven micho birds.”
“Micho birds! I
didn’t order any micho birds. Get rid of them!”
“Unable to
comply.”
“What? Why in
Ornocaht’s name can’t you comply?”
“Unable to
comply.”
Commander
Elatrai said she would meet Lt. Lunisa in the main computer room. The commander
entered the turbolift. “Deck 5,” she uttered. The lift started moving. Then the
door opened at deck 7. Elatrai peaked outside the door. There was no one else
waiting to take the lift. And if there were, it still should not have passed
deck 5. She went back into the lift and tried again. This time it took her to
deck 2. She reported the turbolift problem to the bridge and then proceeded to
take a ladder in a Jeffries tube to her destination.
She finally made
it to the main computer room. Ensign V’Sek and Lt. Lunisa were there. They had
heard about several problems reported from all over the ship. The sensors, the
replicators, and turbolifts. Then there were reports of miscellaneous computer
consoles shorting out. Then sickbay reported that it was suddenly being flooded
with anesthesine gas and was being evacuated. Then a report came in about
holodeck malfunctions.
V'Sek and Lunisa
were working diligently to find the problem. The subroutine algorithm had found
its way into almost every computer system and then rewrote their matrices.
Lunisa suggested recompiling the affected systems. V’Sek said that would take
several hours, which they didn’t have.
Captain Sekoba
had the science teams go to the ship’s shuttlecrafts and run scans from there,
where they could scan without interfacing with ship’s computers. They found out
the red supergiant was further along in its death cycle that they had
previously thought. They needed to leave this area of space immediately, before
the star went nova, but the engines wouldn’t come back online.
Keegas, the fat
Klingon who was the head chef in the ship’s deluxe galley, told the visiting Tellarite,
Doolly Waulpoh, he could enter the galley again if he would make a Branku cake
like the one he served the Klingon warriors at a victory banquet on Relos II.
Doolly said he would be happy to. Keegas secretly admired the famous chef and
wanted to see him at work. When Doolly arrived in the galley, he saw that the
Klingon had a workstation with his own kitchen waiting for him. Doolly needed
to replicate a Briiu-shaped baking dish. He went to the replicator and made his
request. But what came out was not Briiu-shaped. It looked more like an earth
bundt cake pan. Keegas growled, “What’s wrong with these replicators lately?
I’m going to see the captain about this.”
“Wait,” Doolly
said. “I’ve seen this before.”
“Sure you’ve
seen one of those stupid earth cake pans before. But we don’t use those here.”
“That’s not what
I meant, you dumb pracish! I’ve seen a replicator malfunction make this bundt
pan before. On Beta Codlar. And I think I know what’s happening on this ship.
I’m going to talk to the captain.”
As it turned
out, Doolly’s call to the captain was routed to Selva. That wasn’t a
malfunction. The comms system had been programmed to send calls from guests to
the guest relations manager. And that was Selva. The Intrigue often had guests
because part of the ship’s mission profile was diplomacy and she had the most
luxurious diplomatic suites of any Starfleet ship. So the captain had already
learned that it was best to let Selva handle anything involving ship’s guests,
lest the captain be bogged down with too many complaints from dignitaries who
called about the least little thing.
When Doolly
explained the problem with the replicator, and where he had seen it before,
Selva immediately reported it to the captain.
Commander
Elatrai left the main computer room for a moment to have a private conversation
with Captain Sekoba. Sekoba told her what she had just heard from Selva about
Doolly. Plus, Elatrai said her Betazoid senses picked up something suspicious
about Lunisa. First of all, Lunisa had seemed to be avoiding her. Now when the
commander finally met the programmer in person, she seemed to be hiding
something. Elatrai went back into the main computer room. She asked Lt. Lunisa
if she had ever been to Beta Codlar. Lunisa said she had been there to upgrade
the computer system for the planet’s defense system. There were some incidental
computer glitches, and the Tzenkethi tried to invade, but they were warded off
by Starfleet ships who had arrived in the nick of time. Elatrai told Lunisa
that the Acclivious-A subroutine must be removed immediately from Intrigue’s
computer system. Lunisa said that wasn’t necessary. She would find the problem
and correct it.
Just then, two
security officers entered the room. They had phasers pointed at Lunisa. They
both seemed to be sweating. Elatrai knew they probably had the same problem
getting there that she did. They had had to climb through the Jeffries tube,
and had worked up a sweat in their rush to get there. The captain had ordered
them to take Lt. Lunisa to the brig. Lunisa pretended not to know what was
going on. With not much time before the red supergiant went nova, Elatrai told
the security officers to take Lunisa now, and she would talk to her later.
Lunisa went with the security officers.
Then Elatrai
ordered Ensign V’Sek to uninstall Acclivious-A. V’Sek complied. He pulled up the
Intrigue’s computer processor network. He would have to go through each network
mode in order to uninstall the subroutine. Then he would have to go through
each computer system and revert them to their previous backup systems. Elatrai
would have to help with this arduous process in order to get the engines back
online in time. They worked furiously for twenty minutes. Then they had to sit
and wait for the backup systems to be recalled. Then all the systems had to be
partially shut down so they could reset. They shut the systems down a few at a
time. After an hour, all systems had been reset. There was no sign of Acclivious-A.
The captain ordered the engines to be powered back up. That would take another
half hour. It wasn’t a cold restart, as backup power did not have to be shut
down. Then, they were ready for warp drive. The captain ordered it so.
When they were
on their way once again to Olreinus, the commander went to see their prisoner
in the brig. Lunisa sat on her bed with a defiant look on her face.
“The subroutine
had a programming error,” Lunisa said. “It was a mistake. You can’t prove any
harmful intent.”
“Can’t I?” said
Elatrai. “The same thing happened when you were on Beta Codlar. You were there,
installed a new computer program, and it caused system problems. Just like
here. Even caused the SAME problem with replicators creating that baking pan.
Plus, the Tzenkethi showed up at Beta Codlar. I bet if we alerted Starfleet
Intelligence, they would find Tzenkethi marauders are ready to pounce on
Olreinus now. You were trying to keep our ship from getting there. You’re in
league with them. What did they promise you?”
Lunisa knew she
might as well come clean. “They promised I would get to design the computer
system for their new warships. I could design systems that would control their
ships so they wouldn’t even need a crew. I would be known as the greatest
programmer in the galaxy!”
“You would sell
out the Federation just to be famous?”
“Not just that.
It’s the ultimate program. Starfleet won’t allow complete computer control of
ships. Not since the M5 disaster a century ago. But we’ve learned so much since
then. I could design an artificial intelligence program that would be
infallible. It would do exactly what’s programmed. Nothing more, nothing less.
It would be perfect. But Starfleet wouldn’t give me that chance.”
“You poor soul,”
said Elatrai. “The M5 disaster was a lesson. We can never let computers rule.
Never let them have complete control. It would only lead to disaster. There are
so many examples in history.”
Lunisa still had
her defiant look. Elatrai knew it was useless to try to change her mind. She
left her alone on the brig. She would go to prison for her crimes. The Bolian
was lucky that no lives were lost in this incident.
Keegas brought a
large bowl filled with his Ventakn sugar cookies and laid it on a table in the
mess hall. Doolly laid his Burelltar sugar cookies on the same table. Selva smiled at them. Then she looked at the
whole crowd that had gathered for the bake off.
Commander
Elatrai spoke. “On behalf of the United Federation of Planets, we welcome
everyone to the first bakeoff between our Klingon chef, Keegas, Son of B’Dul,
and our guest Tellarite chef, Doolly Waulpoh. Please, grab a plate, get some
snacks, and try their cookies. Vote for your favorite by putting one of the red
chips in the Klingon vase or the Tellarite vase. Enjoy!”
Ambassador
Truden went up to Selva and the commander, holding his glass of root beer.
“Thank you so much. With all the excitement, this has been quite an adventure!”
They both thanked him. Then he went to try to cookies. Elatrai complimented
Selva on the setup and organization of the bakeoff. The USS Intrigue was proud
of its many civilian specialists, like Selva and Keegas. They were a vital part
of the ship.
Doolly broke the
line and got one of Keegas’ cookies. “Hey,” said Keegas. “That eager to try
it?”
Doolly took a
bite and said, “Oh, maybe I should have taken that Bolian’s reagent first. Hope
it doesn’t make me queezy!”
“Oh please! I
bet you’ve never had anything half that good on your backwater planet.”
“You know what?
It’s actually good. Not as good as mine, but nice effort.” Doolly extended his
hand to Keegas for the human tradition of a handshake. Keegas accepted the
furry hand of the Tellarite and shook it. The two chefs laughed mirthfully.
-by the
Honorable Kavura
Thank you for reading my Star Trek
Adventures: Captain’s Log mission report. Captain’s Log is a solo role-playing
game by Modiphius Entertainment.
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